I am a sophisticated, high-brow sort of person. I’m sure you won’t believe that, so we’ll move on as though you just did a spit take all over the keyboard of that shiny new netbook you’re using right now. Anyway, my sense of humor is rooted more in wittiness and cleverness than in the typical “point-and-grunt” humor that is quite common these days. Still, however, there are times when I just can’t resist a cheap shot lampoon.
Behold the German language!
The following are just some random idiosyncrasies I’ve collected over time whilst studying German. Mostly they simply defy typical American or English convention when translated, or else they function on the cognate level.
False cognates (words across languages that are similar or identical in spelling but which differ in meaning) are usually frustrating and confusing. But they can be so amusing sometimes:
Guter Rat = Good Advice
As indicated, Guter Rat means “good advice.” However, Urban Dictionary lists a slightly different definition for the cognate.
Germans are extremely blunt people, and this is reflected in their language. For example, the word for “failure” (as in a task) is durchfall, which also translates as fall-through (durch = through, fall is a cognate). However, when nature calls (explosively), the phrase one uses is:
Ich habe durchfall. (I have diarrhea.) Literally, “I have failure” or “I have fall-through.”
Sometimes certain phrases or words in languages become taboo, or else carry an innuendo so strong that their legitimate meaning is obscured. Consider the word “gay” in English. This is no different in German, where one may say Ich habe einen Hund to indicate ownership of a dog, or else Ich habe eine Katze to declare that one owns a cat. However, if one were to say Ich habe einen Vogel (I have a bird), he would be crazy. By his own admission, because that’s the connotation this phrase has taken on over time. The “correct” way to indicate craziness, by the way, is Ich bin verrückt.
But that sort of thing isn’t very funny, actually. It might be rather amusing to Germans who see Americans make these mistakes, however. Here’s some phrases that don’t really translate:
Er versteht nur Bahnhof (literally, “He understands only train station”, meant to indicate cluelessness)
Du kannst mich Mal (literally, “you can me sometime”, this one’s rather dirty—it means, roughly, “piss off”)
Du hast Schwein gehabt (literally, “you have had pig”, meant to indicate that one has had good luck)
There are countless others, of course, but you get the point. Lost in translation is certainly fun, but it definitely counts as finger pointing—I’ll leave that to others.
But there’s more. Though not strictly language-based, cultural stuff can be rather bemusing as well. For example, it would be rather impolite for one to ask a German what he does for a living, but one may ask Hast du durchfall? (”do you have diarrhea?”) without reservation. To a complete stranger. When describing one’s day, a German would feel quite comfortable informing one (when relating a sequence of events) that, Dann sitze ich auf die Toilette (”then I sat on the toilet”). And, here’s the most amusing—or disgusting—bit of all: Germans are quite comfortable urinating and/or deficating in public places, often finding a secluded area of the street or square. Furthermore, young children are permitted to do these things in public as well, provided the parents clean up the waste thereafter. What gets left behind is tasked to what might be the most unfortunate street sweepers in all the Universe.
So what’s the point? Well, cultural and linguistic differences abound between all nations, yet that doesn’t make them any less hilarious (or disturbing). It’s not polite to stare and point, but we all do it. Germans probably think Americans are a bunch of clowns, but then, that’s a pretty common attitude worldwide. There’s nothing like boundless success to make other people hate you, eh? But we should be more like the rest of the world…
…Give me a break.
